A Conversation Between Brothers: Why Some Black Men Despise Natural Hair

by West Parsons on March 8, 2015

in his confessions

black women curly relaxed

by Ebrahim Aseem

“I love my thick nappy curls,” Eden confessed. “But I noticed when my hair is all laid & straight, I get approached way more by guys. Otherwise, black men treat me like my natural hair makes me instantly ugly. That’s kinda why I approached you first.”

She removed her headband & ran her fingers through her huge, natural curls, as her brown skin glistened in the daylight. I marveled at her beauty before replying.

“Some males who are hesitant to approach women with natural hair are intimidated by the confidence you’re displaying by wearing your natural hair & he cowers at the possibility of you rejecting him,” I explained.

“This is the same reason the corporate world does not fully embrace or always endorse women who wear their natural hair. You are seen as a threat. Too militant. Rebellious. Non-submissive.

An overly-macho, mentally fragile male can NOT handle a free thinking, conscious woman with her own mind. She does not even arouse him sexually. He needs a submissive woman.

A woman’s beautiful natural hair is a repellant for the judgmental, weak-minded little boys & it’s a magnet to attract mentally conscious MEN.

Wearing her natural hair does NOT mean she has an attitude.
Wearing a weave does NOT mean she’s insecure.
A queen styles her hair to enhance her beauty & compliment her confidence., not to cover up insecurity.

A woman is not an objected to be defined, controlled or put in check by a man. She is a powerful spirit, a universe unto herself.

No matter the style, she is wearing her everyday confidence on her head, allowing her to repel males with unactivated pineal glands, who are nowhere near her level of consciousness anyway, while only attracting confident, self loving men.

Some insecure males don’t want their woman to have her pretty natural hair, because he’s afraid she will attract a more conscious, confident man than he.

As a 10-year youth mentor for young men, & a public speaker, Black men often say they view natural hair as an indicator a woman’s everyday confidence is bolder than ever that day.

They say they are more apt to approach you on your days wearing relaxed hair, or a weave, because he feels he has less of a chance with you when you’re even extra confident to wear your hair however you best feel comfortable at that time. Unbeknownst to these males, a woman is confident and non-submissive no matter how her hair is styled.

A woman who can be her true self, unapologetically, is simply beautiful, regardless of how her hair, body, or skin may reflect on your iris.”

“It’s not even that,” one of the men with a mohawk fade rebutted, “a lot of these Black Women think that nappy-haired, Lauryn Hill shit is cute, and it’s not. Why would I approach kinky haired Lavontasia, when I can approach blonde-haired Becky? Who actually speaks to me like I’m not a fuckin child. Black women always gotta be right, talk down to a man and treat you like you didn’t graduate high school.”

“Nigga, you didn’t graduate high school,” one of the men joked, erupting the group of men in laughter.

“You know I’m right,” mohawk fade continued. “All that attitude is so unnecessary. Like why are black women so angry all the time? Slavery is over. Our president is Black.”

“I never understood why you brothas find the need to bash black women,” I interrupted. “They look like heaven & treat real men like royalty. You should aspire to be one instead of degrading your own women, like a traitor. And it’s not ‘nappy’, I hate that derogatory term. Just say corse, coiled, curly or natural.”

“So it’s being a traitor just because I want my kids to live a better life than a curly haired Sista can provide?” Mohawk fade asked, mocking my use of the word “curly”

“The hell are you talking about bruh?” I asked.

“I read your article man,” Mohawk fade continued. “You know, ‘Why the hell am I still dating Black women.’ I only opened that shit, because of the title, and I agree with some of your points, but just because I didn’t marry a Black woman does not mean I’m weak-minded or can’t handle one. I just don’t want my kids to grow up under a mother who talks down to them and always wants to go Adrian Peterson on them when they do little kid shit.”

“Nigga, you must be illiterate,” Eden defended, “because if you did read Ebrahim’s article, you’d know he said spirits have no race and it’s nothing wrong with loving someone outside your race. However, dating someone outside your race only because you hate your own race is the definition of self hatred.”

“Exactly,” I agreed, “it’s not even about race. It is about culture and each person’s individual character. Spirits have no race. Spirits have no gender. We are all spirits, wrapped in the human form, like a gift wrapped in a box. Who cares what color the box is, it is the gift inside that is to be vauled over its container.

And bruh, the fact you just admitted the main reason you married your wife, was so you didn’t have to raise children with a Black woman, is the very evidence you are indeed weak-minded.”

“Ooooooo,” the group of men instigated.

“Why do you think a pro-Black, conscious brotha like Kanye would marry a white woman like Kim K?” Mohawk fade replied.

“That ass,” one of the men answered, folding his hands, as if he was worshiping the booty.

“Nah that’s not the only reason,” Mohawk fade continued. “Black women hate themselves. This is why Black men are not attracted to nappy haired Black women. They hate their men. They hate their skin, their body and their hair.

This is why they have an identity crisis. They don’t know if they want to wear hair weaves like Europeans, or go natural and nappy like Erykah Badu, who has her own identity issues. This short haired woman wears a nappy afro weave, over her nearly bald head. Such a walking contradiction.”

“As a Black man. you are the definition of a walking contradiction,” I retorted. “You legit sound like a eugenicist. Black women don’t hate themselves, nor do they hate us men. We act like we hate them. They hold us down so much, and we never defend them.


Why are we so quick to defend Kim Kardashian’s choice to show her unnatural bare ass, yet we never defend the choice of our own Black Women to wear her natural bare hair?

Being a girl is like being Black. It’s even worse when you’re both. Life is hell, really. Tupac once said in an interview,

‘No black males talk about black females like we should. We need to take more responsibilities for our sisters because if we don’t, who will? Because if you look at it now, black females are held lower of the totem pole than anybody.’ Pac said that shit in ‘92.

In the 60s, Malcolm X said, “The most disrespected person in America is the Black woman.”

Society shits on Black women, then will talk shit about her, for having shit on her. The irony. The hypocrisy. Well, I’m a black man, telling you the greatest ISM is not against me, not against us, it is against our women.

I say it to the world, because when she says it, you refuse to hear her. You pay her 70% of what you pay me. After Black slaves were “freed” all women in this country were sold as property, from father to husband by a simple dowry.

They tell her assimilate, you will be accepted. They vilify Beyonce.
They tell her be conscious, be natural, you will be respected. They blacklist Lauyrn Hill. They fear the woman, because as they say, ‘she’s closest to God, hand picked to be the only vessel of life, as mother’.

They tell her to worship a human-male God, instead of the gender-less spirit of God, so she’ll always believe God is a human male, despite the fact her God had to create males and humans into existence.

Black men as a whole do not hate Black women. Don’t fall for that lie. Mentally mature Black men love our sistas. Always have. Aways will.”

“I respect the fact women are the vessels of life,” Mowhawk defended. “But just, because I married a Puerto Rican woman does not mean I can’t handle a Black woman. I’m just not attracted to Black women and their smart-ass mouths.”

“At first I thought you were an arrogant idiot,” I responded with a smirk, “but now I realize you’re just arrogantly ignorant. Your wife is Black.”

“Look, I know Boricuas got a mouth on them too,” he defended, “but…”

“No, seriously,” I continued, “African slaves were never brought from a ship to American soil. They were brought to the Caribbean. Jamaican, Trinidadian, Hatian, Dominican and Puerto Rican people all have African descendants. So, like I said, your wife is Black. Now, your reason for marrying her is your business, but I just wanted you to understand why those Black Women-bashing reasons are ignorant.”

“I see you dropping knowledge, tryna impress the bitch so she let you hit, huh?” Mohawk fade snapped, to get a coule laughs.

“The bitch has a name,” Eden defended. “And why is it little boys like you would rather impress a group of males than a impress a woman simply by respecting her? I guess it’s true what they say about why guys love to come to the gym so much. Sus-pect.”

“Using the word bitch as a synymon for “women” may get you some cheap laughs, but really, you’re just showing how much of a bitter, bitch-ass-nigga you are to disrespect a whole group of what you can’t stimulate on any non-sexual level, women.

When you insult one woman, you insult them all. Whether a woman be White, Latin, Asian, Indian, Pacific Islander or Black, she deserves respect, honor and love. To pit women of differnt races against each other based off race, hair or body type is misogany. All women are sisters, and we must love and respect our women, as every man is born from one.”

“Look,” Mohawk fade responded, “my own sister, who’s a Black woman, admitted to purposeful having a baby by a Pacific Islander who she had no intention of raising her child with, because she told us she always hated her nappy hair growing up and she wanted her daughter to come out with good hair. You expect me to respect that?


“That’s self hatred,” Tedrick chimed in. “Hair is a woman’s glory. Any Black woman who uses chemicals, dyes, non-organic shampoo, hot combs, or weave in her, hair is displaying self hatred.”

“Excuse me?” Eden responded. “I love my natural curls and I love myself. Just because I use henna to dye my hair, does not mean I am displaying self hatred. Henna is a natural plant. So when you speak on something, make sure you know what the hell you’re talking about.”

“See what I mean,” Mohawk fade replied, “these pro-black, overly-conscious, nappy haired sistas always gotta hit a nigga with an attitude.”

“Just because a woman is unafraid to speak her mind to you, does not mean she has an attitude,” I explained. “You simply have no idea how to render the respect of a woman with your presence, vibe and confidence.”

“Now Tedrick, I love naturalistas just like you do. Seeing a woman’s natural curls is like seeing your woman’s bare breasts for the first time.

Not in a perverted way. It’s just that the nakedness of a woman is beautiful. Natural hair is raw, beautiful nakedness. However, just because a woman uses a hot comb or weave does not mean she hates herself. Just because her hair is short does not mean she’s lost her glory. Short hair or straight hair does not make her any less of a woman.

Her hair is a canvas, each style she paints on that canvas is her way to express her happiness, pain, joy, stress, aelf love, self confusion and new beginnings.

Every woman has a different mindset. Her hair style does not define her. Her gender, style of dress and body shape does not define her. Don’t decline her worth in your mind. She’s one of a kind.

There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically her natural self; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me, that is the true essence of beauty. It is not up to us as men to define a woman, her hair, skin, nor her behavior.

She is not some queen in need of a king to define her, she is royal by herself.

She’s not some damsel in distress who needs to be saved. This knight-in-shining armourism many males posses stems from being raised by a weak-minded woman, without the presence of a father figure. To treat a woman as something who needs to be defined or rescued, that is hate and male privilege.

“My brotha,” Tedrick backpedaled, “I’m not trying to define how a woman should wear her hair, and I don’t hate women. But shit, women hate women. They are the ones who give life to this Weaves vs. Natural hair debate.”

“It’s not that women hate each other, I replied, “every form of music, entertainment and work force in the world makes women feel like they have to compete with each other.

The rarity of finding a woman who doesn’t hate other women, nor rue the idea of existing in a world with women unlike her is attractive to me.”

Even though I was replying to Tedrick, I was looking Eden in her brown eyes. She smiled after we made eye contact. I grabbed my gym bag with my right hand, grabbed Eden’s right hand with my left and walked her out of the gym, to the coffee shop across the street.

“Is it always that heated in there?” She asked once we sat down.

“Honestly, it’s usually worse,” I answered. “You gotta understand, treating a woman as if she were at all an equal to a man makes a coward male completely flaccid. Treating a woman as if she is inferior to a man does the exact opposite for him.”

“I like how you speak,” She complimented. “I didn’t recognize you when I first approached you, until that guy mentioned your article, but I did read your work. That article helped give me back a lot of confidence I had lost over the years. The only men who seem to love my natural hair is White Men. When I say you, I never thought you’d never approach me like this.”

When I moved to a white school, I got made fun of for wearing a weave, so I took it out. Then, I got made fun of for wearing braids, so I went natural. Now, people make fun of me for being natural. For being habesha. For having darker skin. It’s like, no matter what I do, I’m never good enough. Never pretty enough.”

“That hurt me to hear. I want to show you something queen,” I told her, before reaching into my phone & scrolling through my camera roll to show her a picture I screenshot from Facebook.

“It broke my heart to read what this browned skinned woman went through. She is beautiful. Her deep brown eyes are pretty. Her high cheek bones are so adorably feminine. Her full lips are so luscious. The position she styled her hair bow is so reminiscent of Ms. Billie Holiday & her hair flower, but true natural beauty will forever be be lost on lost souls with an ugly spirit.

For more on Ebrahim’s point of view on race and relationships, visit his blog Real News.